1.Returning to work: a tough choice for mothers
The Regroup Community is committed to providing strategies, tips, information or training that serves parents and their children, and by so doing help build stronger families. Today, I received some questions in my inbox that caused me to rewind the clock to my days as a working mother. Mothers who wish to return to work after having babies want to know what strategies they can immediately begin to implement to lessen the guilt of having to leave their babies behind. If you are a mother and you’ve been in these shoes as I have, together, let’s provide other moms with ideas to lessen the guilt. The following strategies are solely based on my experience as a working mother, and from talking to other working moms as well.
1) First of all, the guilt is real, make no mistake about that. I had my first baby when I was a student, and I remember weeping all the way to class because I could hear echoes of my baby’s cries as I walked to school. And yes, walked to school, not drove, not rode the bus. I had no car in those days and no money for buses or taxis. In class, I had trouble focusing because I was constantly worried about the baby. However, as time elapsed, I learned to talk to myself. You know the kind of rationalization that we all engage in every now and then. I tried to dwell on the benefits of education instead of worrying about the baby’s cries or the guilt that threatened to overwhelm me. I am from a very poor family, and growing up without shoes, clothing, or books was definitely a strong motivator to lessen my guilt. I didn’t want my baby growing up lacking basic needs. In fact, the baby’s cries seemed insignificant compared to the long miles I had to trek to school each day. I felt better knowing that I was going to school so my baby would one day ride the bus to school. What I’m saying here is that as tough and overwhelming as that guilt was for me, I still tried to find a focal point, reasoning, and a justification that made sense for this sacrifice. So if you are a young mother or even an older mother leaving your baby to return to work, you have to focus on the goals within you that will ultimately justify your decision to work. That positive mindset will give you new impetus. That approach worked for me, and I hope it does for you too.
2) Some of the mothers I consulted with confessed to over-indulging their children to make up for their guilt about returning to work, something I definitely will caution all mothers against. Buying your child that expensive toy you could barely afford isn’t doing them or you any good. What I will instead advice is to spend as much time with your children as you can afford to. Schedule activities for you and them on your less hectic days to make up for time away from home. Also schedule something for them to look forward to because if they know ahead of time that you have planned a family outing on Saturday, for example, it gives them that positive mindset of looking forward to something exciting, and clearly detracts from the “missing you” part which often increases your guilt.
3) Other mothers who had stayed home for a longer period of time felt less guilty returning to work. They said they were actually ready and eager to return to work, an indication for our politicians to increase the family-leave paid days as that will greatly benefit both mother and child. I think if a mother can afford to stay home longer without worrying too much about bills, that might actually lessen her guilt
4) Making mom friends at work was another great suggestion from a mother who said it made her feel as if she weren’t alone. I also think it is a fantastic idea to connect with other working moms who have or are experiencing the same guilt. Talking about your challenges and just sharing your combined experiences can be very therapeutic. If you are a mother and you’ve been in these shoes as I have, together, let’s lessen this guilt for other moms.
Are you a mom who’s currently working or experiencing this guilt? Do you have coping strategies to share? Please comment below so other moms can benefit from your experience. If you enjoyed this or found it useful, please share.
#mompreneurs #strongfamilies #supportgroups #RRR
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2.Domestic and Data violence a growing problem in our communities.
1 in 4 women (24.3%) and 1 in 7 men (13.8%) aged 18 and older in the United States have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
More than 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and more than 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
Domestic violence is a growing problem in our communities, and it is not limited to adult relationships. A growing number of teenagers have also experienced date violence. Abusive relationships weaken families. They sometimes lead to divorce or even death in certain circumstances. Research seems to identify two prevalent forms of abuse: physical abuse and emotional abuse. Both forms of abuse often result in deep emotional scars as the one being abused eventually loses confidence and self-esteem. Most people seem to understand physical abuse as any action that causes physical harm such as kicking, slapping, hitting, pushing, shoving or touching another in unpleasant ways. When physical abuse isn’t controlled, it sometimes leads to aggravated assault or even death. Emotional abuse, on the other hand, is more subtle because it can range from hurtful words or phrases to subtle actions like cold treatments, rejecting meals at home, withholding food or sex, alienating partner from friends or family, or generally refusing to communicate plans, outings, or perpetually attending social events without partner. Abuse is prevalent among teenagers too. A surprising number of teenage girls are even misled into believing that someone who either physically abuses them or maltreats them actually cares about them. Consequently, a growing number of young women, in particular, meet death in the hands of someone who professes to love them. I believe we can raise children who are more respectful in dating and in marriage. It is our responsibility as parents, educators, and counselors to constantly educate our young men and women to understand abuse, and to avoid either becoming the abuser or the victim of abuse.
Given that this is a growing problem in our communities and our desire in the Regroup community is to help build strong families, I would like anyone reading this to comment with examples of other actions which constitute emotional abuse. The idea is to help parents teach their children not only to avoid becoming an abuser but also to identify the signs or symptoms of abuse. If you have either witnessed, experienced or know other examples of emotional abuse, in particular, please comment below. Help us create awareness not only for parents of teenagers but also for the younger members of our RRR community who might either be getting ready to date, already dating, or are even experiencing abuse. We thank you in advance for your feedback on this very important topic. #strongerfamilies #strongerchildren #RRR.
3.THE “LEARNED HELPLESSNESS SYNDROME”
I have observed a very disturbing trend among older, school age children. Perhaps you’ve observed this too or maybe not. You don’t have to agree with me if you haven’t observed this, but understand that I’m not only expressing what I’ve witnessed but also echoing the voices of other teachers and parents. We have a problem; we are raising children who seem too willing to accept mediocrity, and a possible explanation for this could be a theory psychologists are still working on, a theory called “Learned Helplessness.” Whether we admit it or not, we have a “generation helpless” on our hands. I don’t know if this is a problem related to some deeply seated psychosis, but I am appalled to report that this generation of children seems to desire or express helplessness on issues even as trivial as reading directions. Here are a few examples: a child raises his or her hand to say they do not understand a question, but when you read the directions to them, they suddenly get it. Another child picks up that bottle of pills and asks, “Mom, how many tablets should I take?” when the red label clearly says, “take two tablets.” I see this helplessness expressed when simple tasks have to be accomplished, but rarely when they whip out their phones to get online to interact with clearly sophisticated apps. I meet children daily who genuinely express this symptom of “Learned helplessness,” and it is quite bothersome. I ran into a student in the school library who had been given a specific link, but when the link popped up after his initial Google search, he wanted me to verify it. At first, I thought he had a vision problem, so I politely asked if he had trouble seeing it.
“No ma’am, I just wasn’t sure.”
“Does it match the one your teacher gave you?” I asked kindly.
“Yep!”
“And you needed me to verify that for you?” No response.
I am appealing to all parents who might be unconsciously encouraging this disturbing habit to start brainstorming ways to reverse this tendency. Of course, Regroup.Refocus.Rebuild discusses many strategies to empower kids and eliminate this need to feel helpless.
We, as parents, and perhaps some educators, too, are setting children up for failure when we discourage independence. Perhaps you’ve noticed this tendency in your child but just thought your child was being lazy or you didn’t quite know what to make of it. If your child is old enough to do laundry, don’t do it for him. If your child eats and doesn’t put his plate away, don’t do it for him. I know a lot of mothers who are still doing the laundry for their twenty-something-year-olds, and still clearing the tables after their children. Together, let’s avoid creating a generation of helpless adults. These kids are doing sophisticated tasks when no one is watching but exhibiting helplessness when someone is around. Together, let’s build a stronger society by empowering children who might become the leaders of tomorrow.
Have you noticed this “learned helplessness” in your child or student or experienced other puzzling behaviors related to tasks or chores? Please share your experiences in the comments section below. #RRR
#regroup #refocus #rebuild #strongerkids #independent #empowerkids #ethics #helplessness
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4.GOD IS THE HEROIC IN US.
God is that HOPE we all nurse in our hearts for a better future for ourselves, our families, and our friends; God is the hope for progressive careers, better politicians, eradication of prejudice or racism, peace for all nations, and a future we all believe in. Most importantly, God is the hero in those who have performed heroic deeds, past or present, irrespective of their race or religion; God is the hero in Jesus, Mohammed, Ghandhi, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr. Joan of Arc, etc. God is the hero in all of us effecting positive change, taking baby steps each day, through our words, thoughts, or deeds. God is expressed whenever we exert ourselves toward making our world a better place; helping a neighbor, appreciating others, or making positive choices. If we all understood this, there’ll be no need for hate, wars, or terrorism, and definitely, no need to use RELIGION as a divisive tool.
Our Godly spirit also emerges when we set goals and work hard toward achieving them. We suppress our heroic spirit when we express a sense of entitlement or desire things we haven’t worked for. In my opinion, to be Godly is to rise above the ordinary and become extraordinary. Let’s emulate our heros through simple, daily acts of kindness. Happy Easter to you all! #RRR
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